‘If I could do it, then so can you. And I WANT YOU TO HAVE THIS!!’ ‘Three years ago I never would have thought I’d have a successful company, but look at me today..!’ ‘You did WHAT?! Are you CRAZY? That’s what my wife yelled at me when she heard how much I invested in Facebook advertising, but boy did she change her tone when I took her to Tahiti two months later!’ ’16 steps to creating a winning Facebook marketing strategy’ ‘Great opportunity for ambitious entrepreneurs that want to grow their sales!’ ‘My 7 secret steps for getting better at EVERYTHING!!’ You want this, Sarah. Don’t you? DON’T YOU?!
This sad mess is my inbox currently. With it being January and a particularly kind of fresh sheet for me, I thought I’d use the in-between weeks that I’m in at the moment for some self-improvement. So I signed up for a few webinars.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
- Webinar people want you to think of them as your friend. So they YELL AT YOU A LOT, and use many exclamation points.
- Spelling doesn’t matter. You don’t need to know how to write properly to make money online, and that’s the only thing webinar people are here to do. SHOW. ME. THE MONEEEEY!!!
- They give out free things (like the webinar, but the better ones also have e-books or loads of other things to gain your trust). The only thing they want from you in return is your soul. Or your email address.
- A webinar lasts about 1.5 hours, of which the first 20 minutes is basically ‘Hello! Hey, answer this question I’m now posting on my Facebook, how cool is this? WOA, guys! Hundreds of comments within a minute, you are AWESOME!!!’
- Wait, what? Hundreds of comments? Yes, it turns out there’s actually over 2000 people listening in to this live webinar, which is taking place on a random weekday morning, and is in Dutch. Even if only 1% will make the purchase at the end, that’s easy money!
- There’s always a purchase at the end. There’s a big program with in-person training, which costs something like 20.000 euro. Lucky fur us, it’s also available online. You don’t get the personal factor, but everything else is EXACTLY the same, for only 3000 euro. HOWEVER. We are special people. We are actively working on ourselves. We are taking this webinar in our free time. That needs rewarding, and so, for everyone now tuned in to the webinar and for A LIMITED TIME OF 15 MINUTES ONLY we can get this online program for 350 euro. WOA.
- Many people take this deal within minutes. Many others are freaking out about something that’s going wrong with their payment or because they can’t sign up altogether. PLEASE HELP, there’s only 3 minutes left and WE NEED THIS!!!
- Time’s up, no more special deal. Oh, wait. After the webinar closes you receive an email with a link where you can still make the purchase, for the limited time of two more days.
- Webinar people are rock stars. No, magicians! They create an illusion of something out of nothing, put on a great show and then finally give you a peek of a better, happier and more successful life that’s just behind the smokescreen. And everybody wants it.
I did take away a few things that are actually useful and which I’ll try to implement in my life. First is no wasting time on random internet stuff: take a Facebook diet and stop checking your emails every five minutes. This is definitely something I need to work on. Second: you’ve got what it takes. Don’t use the fact that you’re not all-knowing as an excuse not to start. You’ll never know everything, so you’ll never start. Don’t take another webinar, there’s no need to sign up for another course… just do it! (Yes, that’s pretty ironic indeed.)
So far I’m doing pretty good. I haven’t signed up for any program or deal at the end of the webinars I took (just need to start things now (and figure out what to start exactly)), and yes, Facebook and email were a huge distraction, but since the webinars are no longer much of a problem. The webinar people have my email, and they’re really needy friends. I’ve become so annoyed with my inbox yelling at me in capitals every half hour or so that I’ve deleted it from my phone. And Facebook? Well, it works with amazing algorithms that now show me about four sponsored marketing related messages in every ten on my wall, which means that only one in thirty is even remotely interesting. I’m happy to announce that my millennial attention span is not long enough to reach that thirtieth message.
Now if only the webinar people can find a way to spoil my YouTube experience as well, then I’m all set to go kick some ass this year. I’d just do it!